How to Eat More Than You Thought Possible on Thanksgiving

Ah, the most important technique of all! Truly, you can’t consider yourself a true human being if you don’t know how to do this. This is a fine art, honed over hundreds of years, founded by the Pilgrims, enjoyed by humans today. No blog would be complete without this important, Thanksgiving article (Plus, you can write about your exploits afterwards, so it’s not a total loss!).

First, there’s the gathering of food. Make sure you’ve stowed away the finest turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, stewed pumpkin, cranberries, and cornstarch (for gravy). Up until now, you should have cooked most of this in advance, so I’m sorry for you if this comes as a surprise. If you want to survive the onslaught of Thanksgiving, YOU MUST BAKE YOUR PIES AND TURKEY AHEAD OF TIME! Don’t forget it!

Consider hiring a world-class chef. Gordon Ramsey will do. This will cost you a premium, but it’s worth every penny. Plus, if you really plan to overeat yourself today, you should have done all this in advance. If you failed to do so, well, it’s not like all turkeys will be extinct by next year.

Then, the preparation: you’ve watched Star Wars, right? Still heart, still mind. Prepare your mind for the mental trauma of pounding mashed potatoes and steel yourself for the ecstatic joy of taking a straw to the pumpkin pie. Mental preparation is the most important task of Thanksgiving week. Write if you have to (A sensible idea…). Do whatever you do to relax. You may not be ready when the time comes, (few truly are) but strive to be so.

Then, MORE preparation: prepare yourself physically. Some say starve yourself the week following up to Thanksgiving, but this is a poor idea. Starve yourself the MONTH following up to Thanksgiving. You risk death, but death is a small price to pay for a delicious Thanksgiving feast. Do whatever necessary to ensure that you will enjoy this year’s feast to the absolute extreme.

Many people have family over, and this is a splendid idea. After all, it is inevitable that there will be leftovers (a tragedy) and you need someone to clean up the mess. Consider inviting a relative or two (or ten) over to finish up the feast. Remember, you can’t let the feast beat YOU!

Then, the actual moment comes. Never underestimate your enemy for a moment. If you strike the feast down it shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, so take this piece by piece (of pie). Chew slowly and enjoy large mouthfuls. Apply gravy to everything. Try putting mashed potatoes and gravy, turkey, stuffing, and green bean casserole in your mouth at once. Remember, don’t give up.

Remember to save room for dessert. If you don’t do so, you may die of disappointment (and a timely bout of indigestion). Emblazon this thought on the forefront of your mind. Just because your fork can fit another bite of mashed potatoes on it doesn’t mean your stomach (or your face, for crying out loud, you look like a chipmunk) can. Measure your main course intake carefully: make room for at least three pieces of pie.

After doing so, watch Free Birds and fall asleep on the couch. Bingo.

Look, I can’t be held responsible for the eighty pounds of fat you put on in this process. Eating is a delicate and ancient art (as all of us foodies know), and the consequence of extreme overweight is a small price to pay. Get out there and eat.

Good luck, and happy…er…eating.